From the Chaplain’s Rack: Recognizing the Impact of Trauma

To my firefighting and emergency medical responding siblings, we need to talk about how to acknowledge that this pandemic might be messing with us. I’ll start with myself.

I was sitting at my computer in mid-April when I suddenly realized that I had been staring blankly for half an hour. I wasn’t watching anything, typing anything or thinking about anything at all. 30 minutes were gone and for a breath, I panicked.

I realized in that moment that I was empty. I had nothing left and my brain had shut down. The panic came from acknowledging that this disruption was utterly beyond my control. The wiring in my head turned off without me and here I was, nearly catatonic until I woke up.

For many of us, this pandemic has been more than an obnoxious inconvenience. It has been upsetting, disorienting, frustrating, and terrifying. These responses place it into the category of traumatic event. I thought as first responders, it might be helpful for us to recognize its potential impact on our lives.

What is a traumatic event? As defined by the National Institute of Mental Health, it is “a shocking, scary, or dangerous experience that can affect someone emotionally and physically.”

Not feeling shocked, scared, or fearful? You may not, that’s fine. What if I asked your spouse? Your partner? Your kids? What about your boss? They might agree with you, and they might not.

Here’s something worth knowing about traumatic events: you don’t get to choose what will be traumatic for you. And you don’t get to decide how trauma will affect you. That sucks for many of us to hear because women and men in the fire service are classic type A people who like to have a handle on whatever we’re doing. We love a good plan, as well as several backup options.

This one, unfortunately, isn’t in your control. Our brains are funny like that, they are influenced by everything around us. With that in mind, what you can do is choose to accept that it very well could happen, or be happening to you, and name it and figure out how to live with it.

The symptoms of suffering trauma run the spectrum from perpetual anger to virtual paralysis, from irrational tears to bouts of inappropriate laughter. It can mean impulsive behaviors, like snapping at your dog, drinking or smoking more than usual for you, or sudden needs to be highly active.

ITS ALL NORMAL.

None of these symptoms are weakness. They are not proof that you can’t cut it in the real world. More people are going through these symptoms than we might dare to realize.

ITS NORMAL. It’s okay to not be okay.

Let me be clear. It’s not okay to be destructive or to damage property. Its not okay to holler at your spouse or your family. Its not okay to start using or abusing or self-medicating. These are dangerous behaviors and if you find yourself moved toward any of these, call for help. It is better to pick up a phone, put down our pride, and use the resources available to find our balance again.

What do you do if your battery runs out?

First, a couple things I will NOT tell you do:

You do NOT need to remain positive. Positivity is annoying. Worse, it denies us the human ability to have any emotions other than happy ones.  If you’re not in a good mood, that’s where you are at. You can still be respectful, but you don’t need to smile.

You do NOT need to get over it. It’s a classic American ideal that is great for hopping fences or crossing a bridge. Traumatic events are wiring issues buried deep in the brain with breathing and eating and the heart pumping. It is why, when people have panic attacks, their hearts race, their breathing quickens and they might even burst into tears or pass out. They are not willingly reacting these ways, its automatic and beyond their control. You can’t quick fix yourself, so don’t fight yourself.

What you can do (start with just one):

Breathe. That’s it. Keep breathing and realize that this autonomic system is reliable and good.

Be okay with yourself. You have to be okay with yourself, especially if you are not okay. If you are finding yourself irritable, exhausted in the middle of the day, or doing any other odd-for-you things, fess up to yourself. Then fess up to your spouse, partner, or close friend. Name it, start there.

Share it with someone. Do not carry this on your own. You might be good for a while, but you will wear out without recognition and care. I remember so little from my EMT training in the 90’s, but I remember this, “A dead EMT saves no one.” You need to give this to someone else. Find someone.

Work on your resilience. Cornell University defines resilience as “an individual’s ability to positively cope with stress and adversity – bouncing back to a previous state of normal functioning, or using the experience of adversity to enhance flexibility and overall functioning.” Who doesn’t want more of that? Resilience is our turnout gear, it takes practice, and we’ll discuss it in detail later.

Below is a list of resources. All of them are confidential, safe, and available. There’s nothing wrong with you if you pick up the phone, and you no one needs to know. I can’t say it enough: they’re confidential.

You signed on to one of the best volunteer opportunities available. EMS and fire fighting are incredible ways to serve our neighbors. It weaves us into epic histories and cutting edge technology and training. While we are busy caring for others, though, we must take care of ourselves. So, take care of yourself, keep your batteries charged, recognize any changes that have happened in your daily behaviors, and keep track of each other. It is for your safety and for your company’s.

Safe Call Now (24-7 crisis hotline for first responders) 206-459-3020

National Suicide Prevention Hotline                800-273-8255

Crisis Text Line (National Suicide Prevention) “Hello” to 741741

Firefighter Behavioral Health Alliance Self-Assessment (mental health survey)

Employee Assistance Program-EAP (does your department have one?)

Fire Department Chaplain (I hope you have one in your ranks)